Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ�s):
Myths Versus Facts
Myth: It's not a big problem.
Fact: Studies show that one in four women have been abused.
Myth: It only happens to poor people or ethnic minorities.
Fact: Marital violence cuts across all class and racial lines. One study compared a ghetto community with a suburban community and found identical levels of family violence. Another study published in Psychology Today found that acceptance of slapping one's spouse actually increased with education. One attorney specializing in domestic violence reports that the worst case she ever witnessed was a doctor who broke his wife's back because she wouldn't get the air conditioner fixed.
Why do people believe this myth? First, it makes middle class people feel more comfortable to believe it doesn't happen "to us." Secondly, until recently the only public agency officially documenting the existence of marital violence has been the police. Poor people have fewer alternatives and are more likely to call the police than upper or middle class people are. However, the town doctor or lawyer doesn't want everyone to know he beats his wife, women want to protect their families, and homes in wealthier neighborhoods tend to be further apart so neighbors are not likely to be aware of the problem, hear the screams, etc. In poor neighborhoods, people live closer to one another and tend to know what is going on with each other.
Myth: Women who are abused are masochistic and like or want to be beaten.
Fact: We have seen no woman who wants to be beaten or likes being beaten. Some expect it, think it's normal, or think they did something to deserve it. But, that's a different problem. Essentially, we do not believe in the myth of female masochism but rather view it as a myth that has been perpetuated to justify maltreatment of women.
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Misconceptions About Alcohol And Domestic Violence
Myth: Victims of abuse must forgive and forget.
Fact: Self-forgiveness and forgiveness from those one has harmed is a very important part of the process of recovering from alcoholism. The trouble is that the rush to forgive occasionally supersedes the need of the victim to receive a thorough, consistent and repeated apology from the perpetrator of physical or sexual abuse. Children, especially, need to hear the perpetrator admit that he committed the abuse. Without this acknowledgement children may never trust their perceptions of reality or expect that they will be believed in the future.
Myth: Wife beating is caused by alcohol abuse.
Fact: While there is a high involvement of alcoholism and/or drug abuse in marital violence (estimates range from 50% - 80%), substance abuse alone does not cause the violence. Rather, it facilitates the violence and is often seen as excusing the violence: "I couldn't help myself, I was drunk" or "I didn't know what I was doing." Where there is a problem with drugs or alcohol, it needs to be recognized and treated separately, but concurrently, if the violence is to be eliminated.
Myth: All the pathology we see in active alcoholics is the result of that illness.
Fact: Though alcoholism is not a symptom of an underlying psychological disorder, alcoholism does affect a cross section of the population. For example, depressives, child abusers, and batterers can become alcoholic.
Myth: Alcoholics who are drinking are not in control of their behavior.
Fact: Loss of control is a symptom of alcoholism. However, alcoholics who are drinking and beating their partners usually are making some choices about when and how to hit (for example, hitting where bruises will not be visible).
Myth: Treating the alcoholism will cure the family violence.
Fact: Abstinence from alcohol will not assure the physical safety of the partner and children.
Myth: In a family system affected by alcoholism, it is always the alcoholic who is violent.
Fact: The partner of an alcoholic may be the person who abuses in a violent family system.
Myth: The partner of an alcoholic person who abuses remains in the relationship because she is masochistic or, in some way, she invites the drinking or violent behavior.
Fact: Alcoholism and violence are progressive and by the time the family recognizes the problem, they have learned to accommodate or deny the problem in order to survive.
Myth: Alcohol and violence only occurs in poor families and minority groups.
Fact: It occurs in every socioeconomic and ethnic group and at every educational level.
Myth: Alcoholism should be considered a symptom of an underlying psychological disorder.
Fact: Alcoholism is a primary illness and not a symptom. The AMA and other health authorities recognize it as a disease. Only during sobriety can any persisting emotional problems be identified (as distinct from those resulting from alcoholism) and successfully dealt with.
Myth: Battering is a rare occurrence.
Fact: Battering is a common problem occurring in about half the couples in intimate relationships in this country (Gelles, 1979). It is the single major cause of injury to women, exceeding rapes, muggings and even car accidents (William French Smith, U.S. Attorney's Office, 1983).
Myth: Battering is not a serious problem.
Fact: More than one million abused women seek medical help for injuries caused by battering each year. Twenty percent of visits by women to emergency medical services are caused by battering (Stark, Flitcraft, and Frazier, 1982). Thirty percent of female homicide victims are killed by their husbands or boyfriends (FBI Uniform Crime Reports, 1982: Stark and Flitcraft).
Used by permission of Alcoholism Center for Women
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Are You Abused?
- Are you cursed, called names or blamed whenever things go wrong?
- Is free time limited to your partner's interests only?
- Are you forbidden to use money or buy anything for yourself?
- Is it impossible to enjoy outside friendships due to jealousy?
- Does your partner have a "Jekyll & Hyde" personality?
- Do you cover or make excuses for your partner's behavior?
- Do you do more than a fair share of the work, paid or unpaid?
- Do you feel you must ask permission to do things?
- Are you sometimes punished for "misbehaving?"
- Did your partner grow up in an abusive family?
- Are you the "butt" of humiliating jokes?
- Is there a scene if you express an opposite opinion?
- Do you live in fear of your loved one?
If you have answered “yes” to:
- 1 to 2 of the above: Take notice, strive together to improve troubled areas.
- 3 to 4 of the above: Seriously examine relationship, seek qualified counseling.
- 5 to 6: Relationship breaking down, abuse is the issue. Marriage counseling may not be appropriate until FEAR ceases.
- 7 to 13: Crisis intervention needed! Seek individual help from counselor familiar with abuse issues. Joint therapy is not recommended.
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Checklist for People Who Abuse
Use this with discretion. You may not want to present it, but you can use it to add to your own understanding of people who abuse. This is not clinically proven but based on clinical experience with people who abuse and a concept of what constitutes the typical personality of people who abuse. Remember, people who abuse are not psychopaths or sociopaths; they are average, ordinary men. They are the man or even the woman next door, the president of the PTA, the head of the Boy Scouts, the man who pulls over to help you change your tire, the town doctor or lawyer. These are not “sick” men but rather men who, in many ways, are normally socialized by this culture which is violent and sexist.
If a person answers “yes” to any three of the following questions, they may have a problem with battering:
- I get frustrated easily.
- I have very few close male friends.
- I try to stay in control at all times.
- I believe in the sayings: “A man's home is his castle"” and ”A man's wife is his property.”
- I enjoy bloody, violent movies.
- I am the extremely jealous type.
- Most things that go wrong in my life are other people's fault.
- I drink heavily and/or use a lot of drugs.
- When I get angry I tend to explode.
- There was violence in my childhood home.
- I feel I must win arguments and often will do anything in order to win.
- I often find myself apologizing, apologizing, apologizing.
Developed by Family Violence Project, San Francisco, California, and STAND! Against Domestic Violence, Concord, California.
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Barriers To Leaving
- Economic dependence: “Who will support me and my children?”
- Parenting: “A crazy father is still better than no father at all.”
- Religious and family pressure to keep the family together.
- Security: fear of being alone and that she can't cope with the children and home by herself.
- Loyalty: “He's sick. If he had a broken leg or cancer I would stay with him; this is no different.”
- Pity: “He's so much worse off than I am.”
- “Savior Complex”: “If I stay, I can help him get better.”
- Fear of his suicide: “He says he'll kill himself if I leave.”
- Denial: “It's really not so bad.”
- Love: “I love him. When he's not being abusive, he is quite loving and loveable.”
- Duty: “I said I'd stay married to him ‘until death do us part’.”
- Guilt: He says the marital problems are her fault and that she caused his problems. She believes him.
- Responsibility: Many people feel it is the wife's responsibility to keep the marriage together emotionally, and the husband's responsibility is financial. She believes it.
- Shame, embarrassment, humiliation: “I don't want anyone to know.”
- Identity: Many women need a man to feel complete.
- Optimism: “Things will get better.”
- Low self-esteem: “It must be my fault.” “I deserve it.” “I'll never find anyone better.” “A little love is better than no love at all.”
- Survival: He has threatened to follow her if she ever leaves and kill the children.
- Learned Helplessness: The feeling of passivity and paralysis which begin when a woman is battered are reinforced by the responses of family, friends, and helping professionals who ignore the problem, don't believe it really happened, and/or blame the woman.
- “Stockholm Phenomenon”: When hostages are held for a period by their captors, they begin to identify with the captor. This syndrome is manifested by many women who are literally held hostage by their husbands/boyfriends.
- When a person lives in unending terror/stress, their ability to resist gets worn away. They become confused, exhausted, and lack the energy needed to make changes.
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Indicators
Evidence of Physical Injuries
If a woman has an obvious physical injury, ask her about it as sensitively as possible. But don't ignore it. She may not have had the confidence to talk to anyone before who has believed her story, and it may be a relief to her just to talk about it. However, be sensitive to her embarrassment and don't push too hard. If she insists that her injuries were caused by an accident, all you can do is to indicate that you feel this may not be the case and that you would be willing to discuss other possibilities, in confidence. Respect her decision to remain silent but be observant for an occasion when she might change her mind about talking.
Feelings of Depression, Anger, Low Self-Esteem, Suicidal Thoughts
Be alert for signs of depression and anxiety that may indicate long-term emotional or psychological abuse. Women vary in their reactions to violence in the home and the growing body of evidence indicates that non-physical abuse can have equally devastating effects as physical assault.
Medical Problems
Chronic complaints of poor health, frequent visits to doctors or hospitals, overuse of tranquilizers or alcohol or drug abuse or sleeping difficulties.
Emotional Distress
Severe agitation, anxiety, confused thinking, lack of eye contact or an inability to make decisions.
Violence in Family of Origin
When talking to a woman, you may obtain information that she grew up in a family where her mother experienced spousal abuse. This may indicate that she is now in a violent relationship, believing the way her parents related is the norm.
Requests for Financial Assistance
A woman may be in a relationship where she suffers economic abuse. Find out how much control she has over their finances. If her control over or access to their money is limited, then the issue is not one of her poor financial management. Blaming the victim will not resolve the problem and will further lower an already depleted self-esteem.
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Helping An Abused Person
- Listen and believe.
- Don't ask blaming questions (e.g., “What did you say to provoke him?” or “Why don't you just break up with him?”)
- Don't be critical of her partner.
- Keep lines of communication open.
- Offer to go with her for help.
- Call the police when you witness an assault.
If a woman tells you that she is in a violent relationship, you are in a strong position to help her. Positive, informed assistance can make all the difference to her attempts to change what is often an intolerable situation for herself and her children. It is essential that the people she consults are familiar with all aspects of the problem and do not subscribe to the beliefs and prejudices that are common in the community.
People who have constantly been abused are often isolated and lose confidence in their ability, and their right, to escape their violent relationships. If, after plucking up the courage to seek help, a woman's situation is disbelieved or trivialized, or if she is referred inappropriately, she may never seek help again.
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Helping A Person Who Abuses
- Tell your friends clearly that violent behavior is not okay - it shows to the person that he has a problem and needs help.
- Offer to go with him to get help.
- Demonstrate respect with your friends.
- Be a role model for healthy relationships - treat your own partner with respect.
- Call the police if you witness an assault - in many cases the abuser can be required to get counseling.
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Definitions
- DV: Domestic Violence.
- Domestic Violence: The misuse of power to control someone.
- RO: Restraining Order.
- TRO: Temporary Restraining Order.
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